Follows The Sun

The world
Is hazy and covered with smoke. House is closed down, air purifiers running, outside “unhealthy” or “very unhealthy” somewhere between 143 and 240 PM2.5 ppm out there. Blech. I hide inside; have to remember to water the plants anyway.

The kiddo
Woke up today and announced that I was a panda bear and he was a raccoon; I’m not sure what that entailed but it was so. Said again that he doesn’t love me, this time completely unprompted. I responded by saying that that made me think maybe he didn’t want me around just then, so I would go away for a bit. He did not like that, and announced that that I should stay and he did love me. Success? How it happened, anyway.

Me
I’ve realized that as I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself, it’s not necessarily that I like myself more. I have lots of habits that I think can be grating, and don’t ask people about themselves as much as I’d like, or listen to their responses as well. But it takes too much work not to be me, so I just hope that other people don’t mind too much and some of them like what I’ve got going on. Self-acceptance does not necessarily always equal self love, and I think that’s actually ok. Self-neutrality gets the job done.

The world
Rain rain rain. We need it but it knocked the power out, exciting last night and even this morning, but glad it was on this afternoon. Hope to see great things in the garden as a result.

The kiddo
Hoy’s bedtime tonight; I came in to brush his teeth and then do my secrets (that I love him, and love his dad) and sing my special lullaby, but he wanted no secrets, no jokes, no stories, no song! So I said I would go. And then he said, “I’m worried…. I’m a little bit worried, I’m worried.” And I said, oh, what are you worried about, what is it? And he said “I want a secret,” so I told him my one secret, that I love him, and then he said “I feel a little bit more happy now and now you may go.” So, we grow and learn together; what he can do, what happens when he does it, what he really wants …

Me
Oh, whatever. Read too much, struggling to organize my thoughts, behind behind behind behind behind. I will get this first essay drafted tomorrow, I say, as I have said for three working days running.

To Come

The world
News now all about five people killed in a submarine that imploded and five hundred people drowned while governments ignored it. I can do nothing about any of this, and struggle to manage it. Apparently state laws barring trans kids’ access to affirming care have been blocked by judges, and I wish I could be happy but I’m just waiting for the supreme court to rule that trans people don’t have human rights actually because they expect the founding fathers were as bigoted as they are.

The kiddo
Three items from today: him and his dad on the new swing, singing call and response songs with me, him peaking his little head over the back and giggling when I smiled at him; him taking one book at a time from the bookshelf in the hall and placing them carefully one by one onto a tall stack in his room, while repeating bits of “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening;” him telling me “I don’t love you, but I don’t… do… love Daddy” and on asking why that might be, telling me because Daddy is nicer to him than me. And then giving me just the biggest hug. |

Me
I don’t know, I don’t know. Found out I don’t get to teach next semester, but do get a fellowship semester. This is a sweet deal that will make my life easier and was made without any input from me; the reason we was given isn’t true and I suspect the real reasoning is not anything I’d be happy about. It is taking time and stress when I need to be focusing, but also, I guess I don’t have a class to prep for fall so maybe I’ll have more time to work down the line. Started writing, but obviously did not get as far as I’d hoped. I am so sick of all this nonsense, there is so much nonsense.

I kind of which my kid would tell me he loved me, but also, he runs to greet me and gives me huge hugs and snuggles with me all the time and I can almost always make him smile and he loves to play with me and hates it when I go. And all of that is more important than saying three specific words.

The world
Hot and dry again. Found time to repot the new flowers after all, I’m glad to say. News remains unbearable, but sometimes I get to hear all the baby birds in the fern chirping as loud as they can for whatever food mama bird has brought them. And that is good.

The kiddo
When I picked him up from daycare he had big purple stains by his mouth, and ran full tilt to the gate to tell me “I have been eating mulberries.” Indeed he has. Tried very hard to get me to recreate a game with puppets at the doctors that we’d played with Hoy the other day, but alas, it was impossible – I cannot have a pupped on both hands AND ALSO give those puppets a check-up.

Me
Made it through all the bookmarked articles and started organizing thoughts in the outline a little better. I’ll give that a bit more and the just start writing; with all the cites pulled out so neatly, I’m hoping it will go fast. I was somehow taken aback by the realization that not everybody who spends a lot of time thinking about trans folks or doing research on them is proceeding from the same basic assumptions that I am. And so there is a body of what looks, to me, like transphobic academic literature. I think the science is bad, but I also *want* the science to be bad. I suppose we’ll see what happens with the TYP kiddos … will most of them suddenly give all this up after puberty? Somehow I doubt it. Somehow I think that if everybody around you thinks basically you’ll give this up as long as you’re not encouraged too much, that’d make a lot of people think that what they want or who they are are not good things to want or be. That’s what I think.

The world
Tree people came, took down dead wood from big black walnut and put up a rope for a swing. Swing ordered online came; was installed. Can say world looks very good from angle of gently swinging hammock chair, gazing up into black walnut boughs in full leaf.

The kiddo
Ophthalmologist (really? spelled like that? did not expect that first h!) visit went well. Looks like our most-of-the-time approach to patching is doing the trick, so that’s good. A big day full of call-and-response songs and after-dinner ice-cream in the park.

Me
Stressed and frustrated and feeling behind. Too little time too work and too much to do in that time. Trying my best though. With any luck I’ll carve out a few moments to repot some plants tomorrow.

The world
Made it to garden center (and Argus). Argus had no strawberries but two beautiful dahlias, one bright pink, one orange-y red, both with lots of dark, shiny blackish-reddish-green leaves. Also got some sunflowers there, in hubris. At garden center finally got the yellow flowering hanging pot I want for the porch, plus a little stripey portulaca and some deep red coreopsis. My little garden is replenished.

The kiddo
Out of school for Juneteenth. Ran around with Hoy in the morning and me in the afternoon; we made jello together (unflavored gelatin and juice mixed with water – a good sweetness for me, but I’m sure he would have liked the real deal, or at least more juice). He went down for a nap when Hoy put him down, and slept then played well – so maybe not a trend. Restless at bedtime, which is now almost before the sun sets; after I had finished songs he looked at me and said, so sleepily, “You are my mama. I don’t want you to leave.”

So I stayed and sang another song.

Me
Put in a few hours of work in the morning. Miles to go and will get up to work early tomorrow, but at least I am starting to see patterns, to feel like I’m getting a sense of the shape of this literature and what might go where in this essay.

The world
It has been a gorgeous weekend. Bought new lavenders to help protect my flowers. Enjoyed being outside, went to a Juneteenth event. Avoided the news, which seems to be mostly shootings. The baby birds are doing well in the fern, I hear them cheeping. That is good.

The kiddo
Took no nap today for maybe the first time ever. After we gave up on “restful time” went to the pool and enjoyed it so so very much, right in up to his chest and played as long as we’d let him. Yesterday he came up with the idea of a “takery bakery,” which he explained is a bakery where you take things without paying for them. I am full of love.

Me
No work this weekend, but will have to put in a little time tomorrow or feel too far behind. Due to lack of nap, will probably also have to build in some time just for me. Where will I find this time? I don’t know. Feeling better in my mind and worse in my body than two days ago, which is probably an acceptable exchange.

The world
Woodchuck battles continue, but I saw it eating clover instead of flowers, so maybe the herb guardians are working. Seemed like it rained but it might not have; will try to water plants all early in the morning tomorrow.

The kiddo
Is into politeness today? Greeting everybody, “Hello, how are you!?” – I got it when I picked him up from daycare and also when he and Hoy got back from the park while I was cooking. Didn’t get enough time with him today. But he helped me make cornbread and we had bath time, and did spray claps and such.

Me
Today I put in more hours, did more reading and felt more behind than expected, and also more sad. Three articles worth of families seeking care for trans kids in the UK. Catching up on the latest in transphobia; I had missed “desisting,” I didn’t realize what getting trans care at NHS is like. When they say 20 years behind, they may be joking, but they’re not wrong… at least these are stories of kids whose parents love them and are doing their best.

The world
The woodchuck (presumably) ate the one blossom on the nasturtiums. Some bug has eaten the little marigold on the table out there. Also, a huge thunderstorm, and some much needed rain.

The kiddo
Ran all around the porch giggling and shouting during that thunderstorm. Such a joy; we’d shown him big thunderstorms before but he never seemed to get it; this year he did. Or this time, anyway.

Me
Got a bit more done on this reading. It’s a lot to pour through, but I’m getting the sense of things. Shanna says I can single space my references, which should help. 15 pages; can’t fit in everything. But I can read more than I cite, I guess …. though if I do, I think I won’t be keeping to that 4-hour-a-day work timeline. Maybe six? Most days? We’ll see.